leaving doubt behind
Several years ago, I created my own little ritual for New Years’ as a way to reflect on the end of one year and the beginning of another. I choose a word that I’m going to “leave behind” in the old year, write it on a slip of paper, and after ringing in the New Year with a toast, I step outside and burn the paper to symbolize letting it go.
The idea isn’t that I’m no longer going to be burdened by whatever that word represents to me, which obviously wouldn’t work anyway. Rather, it’s a way to be mindful in the new year, to work on lessening the burden of what that word represents to me, to say to myself, “I don’t have to carry that with me anymore. I left it behind in the old year.” I even make a little tag to add to my “Words Left Behind” tagbook as a reminder.
I usually start thinking about what word I’m going to leave behind sometime in December. Sometimes I have several to words as candidates, sometimes I’m not sure until I write it down on that slip of paper what word I’m going to pick. Some words that come to mind seem too daunting, or I feel I’m not ready yet to tackle it. The process of choosing the word is simultaneously a reflection on the year coming to an end and a meditation on how I want to shape my year ahead.
This New Years’, I knew my word early and definitely: Doubt. Oh Doubt! How I’ve struggled with you my whole life. How you’ve tested me in the last few years especially (Whaddup, Major Life Changes, how you doin’?).
Doubt isn’t bad, it just tends to crave safety a little too much. It can help slow me down a bit when I need to consider different perspectives or ideas, to realize something about myself that I need to know, or to rethink a decision. Doubt is usually just trying to be helpful. But it can be hard to discern when Doubt is helping and when it isn’t.
The aforementioned Major Life Changes tested me on every level, requiring (or inspiring?) some big decisions and taking some big (for me) chances. And because risk was involved, Doubt was especially insistent, making me question myself at every step as I figured out an entirely new and different path than the one I’d been on.
But even as I’ve come through that harrowing time to land in a pretty good place in life, even as I’ve cleared off some big To Do items that used to keep me awake at night, even as I’ve launched Wishmoon Studio out into the world and kept it alive so far, Doubt just demanded more attention. Or worse, invited its friends Anxiety, Worry, and Fear over to eat all the good snacks and play an annoying mix of emo, trip hop, and death metal at a deafening volume. I was adulting like a champ all over the place, but Doubt argued with me constantly, sometimes just to be contrary. Doubt had gotten a little too big for its britches.
So I decided that it’s time for Doubt to move out and find its own place. It can stop by for a visit sometimes, and I’ll still consider its advice when it presents a good argument. But it doesn’t get to crash on my couch anymore and argue with me every time I make a decision because its afraid of change.
I made this year’s tag with a bit of tissue paper and paint for a textured background, and a scrap of fabric and bits of ribbon for the sun. It was inspired by the phrase “beyond the shadow of a doubt”, reminding me that my instincts are good, and I can have confidence in them.
Here’s to a year of living without Doubt and remembering to trust myself instead.
(The characterization of Doubt in this post was inspired, in part, by the timelessly wonderful The Book of Qualities by J. Ruth Gendler, which I love so much that I’ve lost track of all the people I’ve given it to, and gave it to the same person twice as a result. I recommend it highly, is what I’m saying.)